The Birthday Present

What is the best birthday present a woman could give herself?

Marie, one of our researchers, decided on her birthday that she was going to give herself the smouldering Italian that she had been chatting to the week before. And so she did just that.

They had spoken a few times. He was very sweet and unthreatening (did I mention tall dark and handsome?) and so she thought that if she switched her flirt mode to turbo-charge and used her blatant irresistibility, no-one could say no to her womanly charms and especially not the sweet Italian. It’s not that she is without modesty but three bottles of wine make all of us think we’re irresistible, don’t they? Or is that just me?

It was only when she got back to his place that she realised that he was not sweet at all. She thought that she had caught him in her web but the truth of the matter was he had caught her. I know, I know, all of the signs were there. First of all, he is Italian. Secondly, he is a tall, dark and handsome Italian. Is it really possible that he was sweet and innocent?! Err... no.

Not that she was complaining. Hell no! As her eyes appraised his naked body, there was only one thought going through her mind. ‘Happy Birthday to me!’

She saw him a few more times that week and then her holiday was over. The sex, she tells us, was very good, relaxed and open and it was one of her more honest relationships because both she and the Italian understood that it was a relationship based on sex.

But when she told her friends about it, they refused to believe that she could not want more from him and tried to convince her that her feelings were deeper than she would admit.

Is there anything wrong in a woman having sex and not expecting, or indeed, wanting any ties? In the twenty-first century, is it still so bad for women to admit they have sexual needs, needs that can be satisfied without the burden of emotional commitment? And are we surprised that it was Marie’s female friends who had the problem separating sex from love?

Perhaps the best birthday present that we can give ourselves is the freedom, every now and then, to break away from the social restrictions that we think we have, real and imagined. And on that note, I wish you all very happy birthdays!

Can You Be Too Honest?

We all claim that we want good, honest relationships. Honesty is the foundation upon which everything else is built, isn't it? Of course! But is it possible to be too honest?

What if your new lover tells you that whilst he really likes having sex with you, you're not the best? Is your first thought, "I'm so sorry, darling, what is it that I could do better?" This question may evoke replies that involve ping pong balls or the gymnastic abilities of an olympic champion or perhaps jaw-unhinging secrets previously only known to snakes. Be prepared.

Or would you be in the "F*ck You!" camp as you hastily retrieve your clothing from the floor, running through the door with your bra in your bag and your dignity in bits?

Or perhaps you would just be quietly but deeply hurt, your confidence in tatters and your future bedroom performance impeded by feelings of inadequacy?

If you're in this latter group, have you considered that you might not want to be the best if his idea of the best is based upon athletic performance and under-the-counter porn film moves?

So, what if you are honest with him? How do you think he would respond if you told him your ex did that thing with the tongue a lot better than he does, or admitted (under duress only, of course) that he wasn't the biggest in the err... cold meat department? You got it, he wouldn't like it. And you would be on some kind of relationship suicide mission to say anything like that.

And how much honesty is there in faking an orgasm? Enough said!

So back to my question, can you be too honest? Well I guess it depends on what we're being asked to be honest about. Honesty can be a very blunt instrument, a weapon of mass destruction. When in doubt, always remember, be careful what you wish for and ping pong balls can be hard to find!

Sex With Ex

Sex with the ex. Yes, we've all done it, come on admit it. A few drinks, mobile phone in hand and the next thing you're gettin it on. But why? If you broke up, then it was for a reason, why would you keep going back there again.

Phil has regular sex with his girlfriend. She finished with him after he said that he was moving away but she keeps asking him to come round, has her naughty way with him and then throws him out in the morning. "It's absolutely fantastic. I get all the good bits but without the responsibilites and the compromises."

But what is she getting out of it? Sex with someone you know can be absolutely great, no fears about your body or what your partner likes, no pressures, and if both partners know the rules, no awkward discussions about who is going to phone and when. Perfect.

Except that it is just a way of delaying moving on. Sex with ex is safe. Safe means you are staying in your comfort zone, you're on the treadmill jogging along, hamster-like and getting nowhere. And are you trying to convince yourself that it is just the sex you want or are you really just clinging on to that emotional connection with someone you trust, scared to let go. After all, the one that did the leaving will still be wondering if they made the right decision and the one who was left behind will probably take whatever is on offer, hoping that things will change.

For the laziest of us, it's the easy option but what is more exciting than the first kiss, the first stroke of the arm, the long, lingering looks.
Sure, 'friendship with benefits' is great but nothing can equate with the thrill of the new!

Love and The Single Girl

Kerry, beautiful, fun and intelligent, has just split up from her long-term boyfriend. She is in her forties and finds herself in that strange situation where she is in the minority amongst her friends; she is Single.

At first, she thought being single again would be great fun. She's already got children so has no 'ticking biological clock' issues and is loving the fact that she has got her house back to herself, doesn't have to put up with 24 hour sport on the TV, cleaning takes only a few minutes and the bathroom is always clean. Bliss.

Of course, what she didn't bank on is that being single is seen in some quarters like having a disease; a really nasty disease that makes people treat you with suspicion and disdain. It's not so much that they think they might get this dreadful disease, it just turns you into an undesirable.

The dinner party invitations dry up, unless, of course, they know a 'great guy' you'd really get along with. And every time you do start up a conversation with some baldy, tubby guy desperate to tell you about his golf handicap, his wife comes running over, bowling over other guests as she comes to the rescue of her precious beloved.

So what's the problem? Well, now that you are no longer in happy coupledom, you are a threat to all of those happily married men that you were allowed to chat away to last week without comment. Now you are obviously a predator with one goal in mind; to steal that man.

What is it about being single that makes people think that your only aim in life is not to be single? And why would an intelligent woman make a play for every man that comes her way? Has the single woman got no powers of discernment? Will any man do? No matter how ugly, no matter how unsuitable, no matter how married?

It's not just women who see it like this. Men seem to be hyper-sensitive to the 'single woman on the prowl disease.' OK guys, if she's in a low cut top, leaning over you and brushing your arm whilst batting her eyelashes like windscreen wipers on overdrive, you're probably right. But why can't a woman have a conversation with you without you thinking that she's after you? You have not suddenly become sexier than Brad Pitt. No, really, you haven't. And not all single women are desperate to make you think otherwise!

Someone For Everyone

Well it had to happen; I knew it would happen. He has finally fallen in love! And boy has he fallen hard! The eligible bachelor of the group who made all his friends jealous by enjoying the single life, (we mean really enjoying it!) has met a girl.

He declined an afternoon's mix of beer and football to stay at home as his girlfriend was teaching him how to, wait for it... cook! This is a man who likes ding dong food; a takeaway or a ready meal. Seriously, nothing in his kitchen has ever been used!

Ok Ok, so taking cooking lessons from his girlfriend is one thing but to admit it to his friends is another thing all together - especially after all of the mickey-taking over the years. Hours of entertainment to be had with this!

So are we to believe that there really is someone out there for everyone? If you just go out in the world and get on with your life, will your 'soul mate' appear. Or do we just find someone who fits our needs at the time?

Gary wasn't looking for a special someone. In fact, he was still taking advantage of his youthful good looks and his thirty-odd years of experience. He scorned the 'settling down' instincts of his contemporaries. Unless secretly, of course, he was exhausted with all of those young women! Yeah right! In any event, he has fallen and fallen hard.

Perhaps he gives hope to all of those on blind dates, online dating websites and in the meals-for-one section of the supermarket!